Control — Who Needs It?

In a recent post on her Smart at Love blog, Annie Dennison tackles the question of whether it's the women in relationships who thrive on control. She's quite correct in her position that while some women do love to be the sorts of "relationship generals" who make all the decisions in the relationship, control is, in fact, a two-way street.

Here's what I've always known to be true about relationships: they don't work when either person inside of them is always angling for control.

Think about it. Isn't it just challenging enough being yourself? Getting through each day, battling your own innner demons, making sure you're doing the right things, taking action, moving forward, growing spiritually and mentally, staying healthy? I can only speak for myself, but being me is a full-time job, and one I don't always feel particulalry skilled at. Trust me, I can fake it as well as the next person. I generally appear together on the outside, conducting myself well in my business and networking circles — but there are private times when I feel about 5 minutes away from a nervous breakdown.

If I had to guess, most of us are in a similar situation . . . at least once in a while.

So think, then, about merging all those complications that go into making you who you are with all of someone else's complications . . . and it feels miraculous that relationships, let alone successful relationships, occur or exist at all. Add to the mix a partner who wants to control the other . . . and you can rest assured that the relationship — or at least any meaningful connection within it — is doomed.

The thing about control I have never understood . . . from the time my sister's sixth-grade teacher had her thrown out of school because the teacher was too insecure to stand up to a smart, funny, outspoken 12-year old, to reading Annie's post today . . . is why control is so important to so many people. I have quite enough going on in my own life, thank you very much. There is no way I could or would ever dream of wanting to exert pressure or control over someone else's. That's not to say that I never have moments of needing to be right. Of course I do. I think we all do that, from time to time. But in terms of deliberately trying to manipulate, handle, determine, or control the events, actions, or results of a relationship — or organization, business, political agenda — is beyond my understanding.

I am a natural leader . . . and in the areas of my life where I demonstrate this leadership, I choose to lead by consensus. Someone said to me recently that none of us knows as much as all of us . . . and I know that to be true. I don't know everything because I haven't experienced everything, read everything, or seen everything. So how could I deign to lead by control? I want the input of those around me for the very reason that it is valuable; by asking their input, I become a stronger leader.

I once worked at a law firm whose owner employed only attorneys who would kowtow to the party line. He was a strong-willed man, who, on the outside, appeared to be a strong person. But he could not stand to have anyone in his employ who would argue or disagree with him. His need to be right steered his need for control . . . and eventually his legal practice, that had once enjoyed an amazing reputation, lost its footing and became just another law firm.

Power. Fame. Fortune. To pursue any of these alone, as our end goal, is fruitless — because the desire for them will never be sated. Whether it is inside a relationship or in the business world, contrary to what the control freaks believe to be true, control destroys.

In my experience, control is not an issue of gender. It's an issue of insecurity. But the mistaken belief that holding on more tightly . . . forcing someone else to bend to our will . . . will always come back to bite us in the ass.

For more on the amazing concept of Power vs. Force, read David Hawkins' book by that title. You will never view the issue of control the same way again.