GendersSpeak

Challenge to Madison Avenue: Make Men Look SMART in Commercials

2008-08-10T22:37:00.006-07:00

I don't own a television. It began as an experiment when I moved a year ago...but has evolved into a lifestyle. This does not mean I am unexposed to TV; weekly visits to my mom's house, coupled with a steady diet of MSNBC.com and my weekly viewing of Army Wives online, keep me plenty abreast of the boob-tube doings, so I never feel deprived. If anything, I'm realizing how relieved I am to be free of so much of the banality...not in the shape of programming, mind you, but rather, the advertising.

Dogsitting this weekend for a neighbor, I had the TV on for more than my usual 2-hour-per-week dose. What caught me completely off-guard — beyond the plethora of weight-loss, real-estate investing, and Olympic programming — was how each commercial break seemed to include at least one commercial with the premise of man-as-idiot. A "smart" dust-cloth, because surely a man couldn't do a good job on his own. Men who can't be trusted to feed their kids healthy foods when Mom's away. And, of course, the ubiquitous depiction of guys screwing up the laundry.

Here's what I don't get. Are these campaigns really working? Ad metrics are difficult to measure — it's not an exact science. We can never know for sure if the spike in widget sales came because of that commercial or because someone famous blogged about it. But they must be having some impact, if for no other reason than that they continue to proliferate.

Take a few comments found on the Web. Note that these were not written yesterday, or even last year. These comments go back to 2003 and '04:

Posted by Hestia, Jun 2, 2003

There’s been a recent trend in TV ads that has me baffled. It was brought home to me most clearly on the beer commercials during the NHL playoffs. Young men are increasingly being portrayed as klutzy, moronic, sophomoric, and just plain stupid.

http://www.espy.ca/rants.php?id=473

* * *

TRUNKS
June 28th, 2004, 06:17

I dunno if you've seen commercials lately (within the last 20 years) but there is a continuing trend of us men being treated like idiots all the time. Ever seen a computer commercial that says "ooh so easy even daaaaaaad can use it". Oh, you mean the guy that bought you the computer? That dad? The dad is the one always using the inferior product or always messing up.

Enter SUPERWOMAN. She's modern, she can think for herself, and she's still not making as much as those with the cursed fifth limb.

In soap operas, it's always the guy cheating on the girl and breaking her heart. And if it's the girl cheating on the guy- it's the guy's fault for not being a good husband.

When women can't get aroused, it's her man's fault. But when we can't get aroused-her man has to go to the doctor.

The prime example was that show Home Improvement with Tim Allen and his Nazi wife, Patricia Richardson. In every episode, Tim always wronged Jill and was forced to apologize again and again - that show was so popular cuz it always showed the MAN crawling on his belly for forgiveness from the all wise woman.

It doesn't take Scooby Doo to solve this mystery - if women were portrayed as men were, hell would be raised by feminists and more.

CURSE YOU!

http://www.freewebspace.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-56119.html

Now, I don't agree entirely with the latter poster...in Home Improvement, Jill was portrayed as ridiculous, too...albeit, admittedly not quite as often as Tim was. But both of these guys (I assume they are guys) are correct. We keep on deriving our humor and ad revenue at the expense of portraying men as morons.

I suppose I've up-leveled the quality of my friends and business associates in recent years, so I don't very often receive those "men are so stupid" e-mails anymore. When I they do come, however, I do as I've always done and delete them. I'm not a prude here. If there's an equal opportunity joke that puts the onus for relationship troubles equally on both genders — and it's funny — chances are, I'll share it. But I have no desire to promote and further this ugly, untrue depiction of men that has somehow received a cultural stamp of approval from us.

Here's the thing. Women, far and away, still earn less money for equal work than men do. A woman is raped somewhere in America approximately every two minutes. As many as 22 percent of the 1.35 million homeless women in our country cite domestic violence as the reason they became homeless. There are lots and lots of ways women still suffer at the hands of men. However, none of that is ever going to change if we — those of us blessed not to fall into any of the three above-mentioned categories — continue to bash men, promote the lie that they are incompetent, and find funny such portrayals by the advertisers who attempt to attract us to purchase their wares or services.

According to the most recent statistics, women make more than 80 percent of purchasing decisions in America, and influence as many as 94 percent of them. Ladies, our dollars equal our votes. Let's start standing up to Madison Avenue and demanding that they portray our men accurately. Yes, there are men out there who couldn't use a dust cloth properly if the directions were spelled out in BIG BLOCK LETTERS. But I have to believe these are the exceptions, and not the rule. Because, really, what does it say about us — about our judgment as women — if we raise, date, and marry those buffoons in all those ads?

A Real Man...

2008-08-09T22:44:00.004-07:00

Reposted with permission from Bob C. on Tagged...

1. A REAL MAN respects his mother and places his family first.

2. A REAL MAN RAISES HIS KIDS, not JUST out of pocket either.

3. A REAL MAN supports his woman to develop herself.

4. A REAL MAN doesn't worry about what others depict as a real man. Walk in his shoes first and then tell him what makes him A REAL MAN.

5. A REAL MAN doesn't break promises.

6. A REAL MAN calls you beautiful, not hot, sexy, or "fine as fuck."

7. A REAL MAN CALLS YOU on a daily basis - NO MATTER HOW BUSY OR TIRED HE IS.

8. A REAL MAN looks past what he's heard about you or what his friends think of you.

9. A REAL MAN wants to spend as much time as he can with you & won't get sick of you.

10. A REAL MAN comes over just to watch movies with you.

11. A REAL MAN kisses you on the forehead just because.

12. A REAL MAN doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He tells you what's real.

13. A REAL MAN should be treated like one.

14. A REAL MAN doesn't ask questions when you say you need something....him, sex, money, or a bed to sleep in.

15. A REAL MAN lets others know how he feels about you.

16. A REAL MAN doesn't play games!!!!!!!!!!!

17. A REAL MAN doesn't leave you to go and hang out with his friends if he hasn't seen you in a week and then call you at 4 in the morning because he needs some loving.

18. A REAL MAN doesn't deny you.

19. A REAL MAN doesn't just think about sex.

20. A REAL MAN doesn't judge the book by the cover.

21. A REAL MAN wouldn't use his friendship card to get what he wants.

22. A REAL MAN knows the difference between a REAL WOMAN and a random girl.

23. A REAL MAN won't degrade a woman with words nor will he ever put his hands on her in anger.

24. A REAL MAN sends you flowers just because.

All females repost this if you agree.

All males repost this if you're A REAL MAN.

Business Branding: Casual Use of an Ugly Word

2008-02-13T09:09:00.007-07:00

I do a reasonable amount of networking to grow my business and belong to several groups which regularly bring in speakers on various topics of interest to small business owners. Some are better than others, but each serves a purpose for my professional and personal development.

Yesterday, I attended the monthly luncheon of a women's networking organization of which I have been a member for the better part of 4 years. The speakers this group attracts are mostly local – again, some better than others. Yesterday, we had a gal in to talk about how to talk about your business. She's new to the Valley, someone I'd never encountered before. As as an unknown (to me) quantity, I listened to find out what she had to offer. Turns out she's pretty good. Good message, excellent content. Except for one thing.

She's branding herself as a "business pimp." Even as I write that here, I get squeamish, because now that word will be forever tied to my blog.

Here's the thing. I'm not a prude. In fact, I am working to clean up my own conversation which is occasionally peppered with words that don't demonstrate my facility for language. I once heard that people who swear are just lazy – because within the English language there are thousands of other ways to get the same message across much more creatively. This isn't about swearing, because the word pimp, per se, is not a prohibited word.

It is, however, a word that requires cautious use – particularly in a business setting, by a professional woman, speaking to a roomful of professional women.

Here are a couple standard dictionary definitions for "pimp":

a man who solicits clients for a prostitute.
a man who controls prostitutes, especially by finding customers for them, and takes some of the money that they earn.

Here's a dictionary definition for "prostitute":

Engaging in sexual activity with another person in exchange for compensation, such as money or other valuable goods. (Note: Prostitution is illegal in the majority of places in the world.)

And here's what Wikipedia has to say about pimps:

Most people who work managing prostitutes are men, but some women work in this capacity as well, though rarely in street prostitution. Women are rarely called pimps, as the word implies male dominance – a woman who manages prostitutes is generally called a mamasan or a madam. (This should not be confused with the title of respect given to adult women in most English-speaking countries.)
Often, low-level pimps will initially present themselves as lovers or father-figures to prostitutes (who may be run-aways or otherwise lack a family network) before introducing them to prostitution and perhaps drug addiction. This practice is called "turning out." The pimp-prostitute relationship can be abusive, with the pimp using psychological intimidation, manipulation and physical force to control the members in the "stable."

Not a lot going on the positive side for these references. Sleazy money-making tactics where the manager beats the client, hooks her on drugs, and psychologically intimidates her. As for the client's self-esteem? Who cares, as long as the pimp gets his cut! And this woman wants to be known as a business pimp? Really? Hey – where can I find a business partner like that? Sign me right up!

In making my living as a language specialist, I notice things that go right past many people. Ain't. Me and him. Funnest. While I find them annoying, though, none of them sets my teeth on edge or provokes a visceral reaction in me. Words like pimp and whore, however, do when they are used out of context and seemingly without thought.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm just oversensitive or if I'm correct in my alarm that we seem to be relaxing our acceptance of the colloquial use of ugly language by letting it mosey into the mainstream without so much as a headshake, a grimace, a conversation, or another thought. I mean, I recently heard a Unity minister speak of "pimping the chapel" from the pulpit! Yikesy!!!! (I'll admit, I never watched "Pimp My Ride," mostly because I'm not really into tricked-out cars – gee, another prostitution-related term – but also because I couldn't relax enough about the show's name to be comfortable watching it.) While I found the minister's use of the term appalling on so many levels, it was this professional speaker's casual use (6 times in a 40-minute presentation) – and the very fact that she wants to BRAND herself with this word – that prompted this writing.

I have given this some serious thought, trying to discover what exactly it was about this speaker's use of this word that so grates on me. I think it comes down to this. Women have fought so hard for so long to gain nearly equal acceptance in the business world. Rape, prostitution, and all the demeaning psycho-social effects that accompany them are still a fact of life here, in 21st-century America. Women want dignity – in fact, we demand dignity – and rightfully so. We champion comfortable work environments wherein sexual harassment is not embedded in the corporate culture, where we're no longer considered the "little woman" and comments like "Have your girl call me," have long since fallen out of favor.

Yes, language changes and relaxes. Word meanings morph. Having an easy analogy to explain what you do is the key to being memorable. We all should aspire to be the Purple Cow. But in her explanation about what it meant to be memorable, our speaker told us she would never use the term "business pimp" in a meeting for a group of bankers. Why, then, is it OK to use it in a roomful of business women? I thought her presentation was memorable, to be sure. But for all the wrong reasons.

There's memorable, there's creative, there's edgy ... and there's keeping your dignity. I'm sure this gal does very well for herself. Who knows, maybe she can sell the idea to Donald Trump and they can make millions. I am all about prosperity and success – for myself and my clients. I'm just not willing to sacrifice the progress of all those who have gone before in order to achieve it.

A Penisless State of Affairs

2008-02-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

My friend, Barbara, sent me an e-mail tonight. The subject line was "Ladies, you think WE have a problem." It was the text of a June 2007 WebMD article titled, "Small-Penis Syndrome Common: Paltry-Penis Perception Plagues Many Normal Men."

The article begins:

Eighty-five percent of women are pleased with their partner's penis proportions — yet many normal men suffer "small-penis syndrome," urologists report.

Small-penis syndrome is the anxiety of thinking one's penis is too small — even though it isn't. It's a totally different condition from having a truly tiny tinkler, a condition known by the cold, clinical name of micropenis.

Barb's comments at the end of the e-mail:

Okay, Chicas, it’s Friday night and not even a paltry penis have I in my possession…The topic is open for discussion…

Micro penis anyone??

My reply to Barb's e-mail:

If I’m honest, I think I’ll take do-it-yourself over a micropenis.

I did hit Craigslist to see who was around earlier, but the only guy I replied to has not responded. I decided I don’t want a date badly enough to actually post my own ad. Think I’m just going to go rent a movie – maybe a comedy . . . or a thriller. Romance is always good – except it reinforces the penisless state of affairs.

Of course, Barb wrote back:

Laura Lee…”The Penisless State of Affairs”…your next book!

You are soooooooo damn funny and honey movies are always good…I have one of each started with the drama, nah…enough in my life, then the romance, YIKES…gotta be the comedy after this e-mail!!!

I Prefer Mine Literate

2007-01-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

The following post was my response to the OK Cupid question: Does your partner have to be an active reader?

YES
No

*********************

Once upon a time, I filled out the free profile at eHarmony. I'd heard that so many people had actually had success meeting someone through them that I figured, "What the hell? What do I have to lose?" Two hours of my life that I never got back, that's what!

Out of 40 PAGES of questions, they had exactly ONE question about reading, literature, or anything whatsoever related to written words. Now, they claim their matching system is unsurpassed. Yet who do they pair me with? Six of the 11 matches my first time out were guys who had answered THE question, "What do you like to read?" with genius responses like:

"I never read."
"The last book I read was a comic book."
"I only read Car & Driver magazine."
"I'm not much of a reader."
"I can't remember the last book I read."
"What's a book?"

Puh-leeze!!!

I have no doubt the fact that I am a writer/freelance editor has a bit to do with my penchant for dating literate men. But reading, to me, indicates someone who is likely connected to the rest of the word: art, politics, philosphy, current events . . . the world beyond their immediate purview. I dated a guy for a long time who never read anything besides MacWorld, gaming magazines, and theOnion.com. He was still able to kick my ass at Scrabble every time we played — and carry on intelligent conversation. I'm not looking for a perfect speller or a grammarian — but if a guy never reads anything, I'm just not interested.

We're Getting Syndicated!

2006-11-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

Exciting news. We're really moving into this blog game, full speed ahead. Technorati's tracking us and you can sign up to receive this blog via e-mail with Feedblitz.

If you like what you see here, please pass the word!

Thanks.

Laura

A Feminist Idea?

2006-11-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Child of Troy recently posed the following question on the Social Science : Psychology section of Yahoo Answers:
I read an article about some feminist who wants to get rid of all urinals because they are sexist. She says that if women can't pee standing up, then nobody should. I personally think that's ridiculous (I like the convience of just being able to just unzip the fly of my jeans to pee and standing rather than having to take them down and sit). What do you think (interested especially in what women think).
Knowing that with this, as with everything, it would help to have the whole story before pontificating on the subject, I found out there was more to this issue than what Child of Troy revealed in his question.

Austrian removes 'sexist' urinals
MAZIN ELFEHAID
Associated Press

VIENNA, Austria - An Austrian businessman announced Thursday that he would get rid of urinals shaped like a woman's mouth from a public toilet near Vienna's national opera, after facing pressure from politicians who demanded their removal.

The urinals, which are located in the "Opera Toilet," a lavishly decorated public restroom, feature thick, lipsticked lips, a set of teeth and a bright red tongue.

"We think that it's tasteless, misogynistic and offensive,' Marianne Lackner, media spokeswoman for the Vienna Department of Women's Affairs told The Associated Press.

The department, headed by Social Democrat Sonja Wehsely, said it was appealing to the owner's good will, but was also exploring the possibility of legal action.

Reading this story, I actually of found the idea of the women's-mouth-shaped urinals kind of humorous ― initially. But I can completely understand how many women, not only feminists, would find the concept offensive. Think about what it represents, for crying out loud. Can anyone deny that the symbolism of a man peeing into a woman's mouth is more than a little demeaning?

But most people tend to get way too bent out of shape about stupid things. A lawsuit? Criminal charges? Puh-leeze.

As for Child's personal preference to keep the urinal, of course he wants to! Why would any guy not want it easy? Women want it easy, too. There's even a new device out that claims to allow women to be able to pee standing up, just like the boys do.

Brisbane-based company WhizBiz today said "The Whiz" fits snugly against the body to enable women to "take a stand" like their male counterparts and avoid smelly public toilets and long queues.

Personally, I would prefer to see people spend their time and energy being outraged by truly outrageous things: the fact that AIDS is decimating Africa unchecked; the ungodly number of homelessness in the richest country in the world; teen pregnancy; the dire need for clean drinking water in every nation around the world...

For the record, I am 39, single, female, and have always considered myself a feminist. Unfortunately, being a feminist and being over-reactive are not mutually exclusive.

Ever Been on Yahoo Answers?

2006-11-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

There's a great site called Yahoo Answers. Post questions about anything under the sun. Answer them and drive traffic to your site. Some of the questions (and answers) are just stupid, but others are really thoughtful.

Was looking at the Arts & Humanities > Books & Authors category tonight. This was obviously a kid, but I thought it deserved an answer.

QUESTION

What you do if you wrote note to boy and [he] didn't write back!?

ANSWERS

he was intester in you so you dtill write me and find why he didnt write you
Ask him why he didnt.
move on
depends on what it said. maybe he isnt a big writer, or maybe he isnt interested in what you had to say.
He may be shy or maybe not interested..you can figure that out based on what you know about him..

MY ANSWER

Did he get the note? Maybe he's shy? A lot depends on how old you are. Sometimes a boy likes a girl, but is just too embarrassed to admit it... Why don't you try talking to him in person?

WAIT - What did you SAY in the note????

Temporary Status vs. Permanent Nature

2006-11-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Todd and I talk at least once every day. We've only known each other for six months, but already he knows me as well as anyone...little things like noticing when I have a mild emotional shift to big things like putting up with dramatic mood swings and the ongoing drama between my oldest sister and the rest of the family. Likewise, he tells me I know more about him than anyone . . .

One of his most interesting quirks is his constantly analytical thought process. Even in the midst of banter, he will stop to correct me or point out that something I have said is illogical, contradicts a previous point, or is irrelevant to this particular conversation. This is not nearly as irritating as it might sound to the uninitiated, because it's usually said with love and a whole lot of laughter.

A case in point . . .

Yesterday, during one of our more frivolous conversations, he dismissed a point I was making, and I said to him, "You're a dick."

Understandably, he asked me, "What did you say?"

I said, "You heard me."

At which point he replied that I had now devolved the conversation by calling him an ugly name. He then told me that he never has called me a name like that. I begged to differ. "When?" he asked.

"You've called me a bitch. Twice, at least."

"No, I never did," said Todd.

"Are you kidding? You know you did."

"No. I did not call you a bitch. I said you were 'acting like a bitch.' Completely different from saying 'You're a bitch.'"

"Really? How are they different?"

Here's where the lovely and amazing analytical stuff comes in...even in the midst of light-hearted banter...

"One implies a temporary occurrence: 'You are being a bitch,' as in you're being a bitch right now, but there are plenty of other times when you're not a bitch. The other implies permanence. 'You are a bitch,' means that you have, at your core, some permanent degree of bitchiness ― there are lots of people out there like that."

So...my brain then begins cycling between feeling that I should be flattered to be in the category of the former and not the latter...and trying to decide if he's full of shit or if there really is something to this word splicing of his, a habit which I am generally the one to exhibit, being a professional wordsmith and all.

The truth is...I think I have to agree that, in this instance, at least, Todd is correct. You are being a bitch, a dick, a princess, schizophrenic, Satan, ridiculous, a silly girl . . . is actually quite different from You are a bitch, a dick, a princess, schizophrenic, Satan, ridiculous, a silly girl.

I truly love his attention to detail. For one thing, it keeps me on my toes. The even lovelier part, though, is when I catch him in his own mistakes.

Perhaps We're ALL Tired

2006-11-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

Much is being made these days about the way women do things, vs. the way men do things. To a large extent, it's the reason this blog exists. And there is no doubt that the genders do operate differently in many aspects and avenues of life.

So it's no wonder that political pundits such as Maureen Dowd ― a personal favorite of mine ― are taking this post-election opportunity to further examine how women turned out in droves to vote their softer sides/consciences and wound up running the male bullies out of office.

Drapes of Wrath
By MAUREEN DOWD
Op-Ed Columnist
Published: Nov. 11, 2006 ― Washington, D.C.

Because of the power of female consumers, some marketing experts predict we will end up a matriarchy. This year, women also flexed their muscle at the polls, transformed into electoral Furies by the administration's stubborn course in Iraq. On Tuesday, 51 percent of the voters were women, and 55 percent of women voted for the Democratic candidate. It was a revival of the style of Bill Clinton, dubbed our first female president, who knitted together a winning coalition of independents, moderates and suburbanites.
According to The Times’s exit polls, women were more likely than men to want some or all of the troops to be withdrawn from Iraq now, and 64 percent of women said that the war in Iraq has not improved U.S. security.

Not being privy to exit polls, research, or voting demographics ― nor really having the time or desire to be ― I leave the manipulation of the data to the experts. Perhaps more women did vote because they were tired of the white male blowhards in office and decided it was time for a change.

But let me ask you this. Weren't those same people in office last time around? Haven't we had myriad opportunities in the past to vote the geezers out of office? And yet we somehow managed to elect W not once, but twice.

I'm an odd demographic, because I'm a liberal female in my late 30s, but I'm not a soccer mom. Single, professional, college-educated . . . and, as Maureen Dowd would have you believe, voting with all the other women out there. Which is what leads me to suppose there may be a greater general dissatisfaction with things than can simply be boiled down to the fact that women got tired of being bullied and finally went and stood up for themselves ― and their military sons and daughters ― at the polls. Perhaps we all got tired of being bullied.

Perhaps we're all exhausted by this never-ending war, with its casualties both home and abroad.

Perhaps we all have had enough of politics before people.

Perhaps none of it has to do with gender.

Truthfully, I am pleased with and hopeful about the power shift in Congress. But I am skeptical, too. I saw this bumper sticker about 6 months ago:

Republicans │Democrats
Same shit; different piles.
The sad thing is that up till now, it's been true. The Dems are on the precipice of an awesome opportunity to change this perception. Unfortunately, the skeptic in me will not be holding my breath.

Control — Who Needs It?

2006-11-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

In a recent post on her Smart at Love blog, Annie Dennison tackles the question of whether it's the women in relationships who thrive on control. She's quite correct in her position that while some women do love to be the sorts of "relationship generals" who make all the decisions in the relationship, control is, in fact, a two-way street.

Here's what I've always known to be true about relationships: they don't work when either person inside of them is always angling for control.

Think about it. Isn't it just challenging enough being yourself? Getting through each day, battling your own innner demons, making sure you're doing the right things, taking action, moving forward, growing spiritually and mentally, staying healthy? I can only speak for myself, but being me is a full-time job, and one I don't always feel particulalry skilled at. Trust me, I can fake it as well as the next person. I generally appear together on the outside, conducting myself well in my business and networking circles — but there are private times when I feel about 5 minutes away from a nervous breakdown.

If I had to guess, most of us are in a similar situation . . . at least once in a while.

So think, then, about merging all those complications that go into making you who you are with all of someone else's complications . . . and it feels miraculous that relationships, let alone successful relationships, occur or exist at all. Add to the mix a partner who wants to control the other . . . and you can rest assured that the relationship — or at least any meaningful connection within it — is doomed.

The thing about control I have never understood . . . from the time my sister's sixth-grade teacher had her thrown out of school because the teacher was too insecure to stand up to a smart, funny, outspoken 12-year old, to reading Annie's post today . . . is why control is so important to so many people. I have quite enough going on in my own life, thank you very much. There is no way I could or would ever dream of wanting to exert pressure or control over someone else's. That's not to say that I never have moments of needing to be right. Of course I do. I think we all do that, from time to time. But in terms of deliberately trying to manipulate, handle, determine, or control the events, actions, or results of a relationship — or organization, business, political agenda — is beyond my understanding.

I am a natural leader . . . and in the areas of my life where I demonstrate this leadership, I choose to lead by consensus. Someone said to me recently that none of us knows as much as all of us . . . and I know that to be true. I don't know everything because I haven't experienced everything, read everything, or seen everything. So how could I deign to lead by control? I want the input of those around me for the very reason that it is valuable; by asking their input, I become a stronger leader.

I once worked at a law firm whose owner employed only attorneys who would kowtow to the party line. He was a strong-willed man, who, on the outside, appeared to be a strong person. But he could not stand to have anyone in his employ who would argue or disagree with him. His need to be right steered his need for control . . . and eventually his legal practice, that had once enjoyed an amazing reputation, lost its footing and became just another law firm.

Power. Fame. Fortune. To pursue any of these alone, as our end goal, is fruitless — because the desire for them will never be sated. Whether it is inside a relationship or in the business world, contrary to what the control freaks believe to be true, control destroys.

In my experience, control is not an issue of gender. It's an issue of insecurity. But the mistaken belief that holding on more tightly . . . forcing someone else to bend to our will . . . will always come back to bite us in the ass.

For more on the amazing concept of Power vs. Force, read David Hawkins' book by that title. You will never view the issue of control the same way again.

My Queendom for a Word — an Inclusive Word

2006-11-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I came across an affirmation I had jotted down a while ago:

"I rule the country of my mind and the kingdom of my life."

I must have first encountered that saying a year or so ago, and I really liked it — the idea of both having control over my life and the view of my life as a vast domain. In fact, I liked it so much that I intended to put it on my wall in giant letters to remind me daily that I do indeed control the vast domain that is my life. But somehow, I never got around to it. Coming across those words now has caused me to consider why I'd never added them to my Inspiration Wall . . . and as I think about it now, I believe it’s less about procrastination and more about my problem with the word "kingdom."

As a freelance editor who makes her living with words, I may be hypersensitive, but the masculine nature of the word "kingdom" really bothers me — not as a word in the English language, but as it would relate to my using it in a personal affirmation for myself.

It’s not that I don’t understand why we defer to the masculine for mixed-gender groups, but it feels to me that using that language is just lazy and sloppy — as we do actually have more inclusive words we could use. If English had no other words to denote mixed gender groups, that would be a different story. As it happens, though, we have lots of words to describe co-ed collectives.

One of my biggest personal pet peeves is when the server a at a restaurant — male OR female — asks, "What can I get you guys?" This is bad enough in a mixed group — but when they are addressing a party of women, I get extremely annoyed. Yes, it's easier. And yes, I know what they mean. But when my girlfriends and I are out — not a guy among us — referring to us as "you guys" is a death knell for any server's tip.

What are the other options? Oh, I don't know . . . perhaps . . .

Are you ready to order?

What would you like to order?

What can I get you?

What can I get you ladies?

What can I get you all?

Now, I understand that invariably, "you all" comes out sounding like "y’all" — which then leads to questions about your southern ancestry and/or familiarity with Hee Haw . . . but I have to tell you, I’d both rather say and hear "yawl" than "you guys" any day.

I realize I am fussier than most about language, but I do believe precision with our words matters. The person who wants to be clearly understood is responsible for clearly communicating what he or she means. The onus is on the speaker/writer — not on their listener/reader to discern the meaning. I am not a guy. Have never been a guy. Will never be a guy. So I feel perfectly within my rights to prefer to use and hear language that describes me appropriately.

I suppose I should apply this thought process to my affirmation, right?

I rule the country of my mind and the empire of my life.

Women's Networking Groups — Men as Interlopers?

2006-11-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

As president of a women's networking group in Scottsdale, I have a unique vantage point about the invovlement of men in such groups. ABWA's Scottsdale Express Network has four brave male members, and I currently am courting a fifth, the reason being that I believe men do have a place in women's networking groups.

Much of the current conversation around gender education and training is heavily biased in favor of teaching men to better understand women. You often see the two combined as Gender & Women’s Studies. The pendulum has swung so far in favor of making sure that women’s needs are met that we’ve almost arrived at a point where we could seriously benefit from a course known as Gender & Men’s Studies. Can you imagine the uproar? But the same thing is going on in networking circles.

While it's true that men and women do business differently, as Robin Craig and Norma Ory of Package You can certainly attest to, we live in a world where both genders do business together. So how much sense does it make to completely eliminate the opposite gender from our networking experiences? Even businesses that have been traditionally seen as women's domain — such as skincare — are beginning to see an increase in male clients.

Perhaps the fact that I attended an all-girls parochial high school has affected my perspective on this. They told us that the girls would be more likely to participate in class if we didn't have to worry about the impression we were making on the boys. Although that may be true of high-school students, I am unconvinced that the segregation serves as we move into the business world, and I always welcome men to the table. For one thing, we need men's input for balance. We also need to keep on improving our communicaton and the way we do business with each other.

As with everything else in life, practice makes perfect.

The American Business Women's Association was formed in 1949 by one man and three women. What a remarkable thing if we could mimic those percentages in our membership.